Some Shifts
by Casualtyfanforever
Summary: Everything can change in a single shout, you're always told to not get too involved. That one call has changed my life, for the better and for the worst. This is the one shout I could never forget, what I saw that day scared me for life. I now know how Jeff feels about the shootings. He got through it, but I can't, I'm not as strong as him. A story from Dixie's Point of View
1. Chapter 1

** Authors note ~ I think people underestimate just exactly what paramedics can see... I have decided to start a story showing how Dixie is affected by a certain shift. How it will impact her for the rest of her career, as well as her relationship with Jeff. It is all written completely in Dixie's point of view, I hope you will all enjoy it.**

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Me and Jeff have always got ourselves into bad situations, it was part of the job description really. There was the incident in which we believed Jeff had rabies, and a few shouts have made me really question my work as a paramedic. Some people could be so inconsiderate, so strange that even me and Jeff cringed.

Some shouts stick with you more than others, some will leave you in tears of joy. You could be the one delivering a baby into the world, in places that weren't designed for childbirth. From the back of the ambulance, to the middle of a cornfield. That got messy.

However, this shout seemed to affect me the most, me and Jeff saw the insight to one brave young girls life. How she had let herself be broken into a million pieces. Some people try to hide from mental health, but I always feel that it should be dealt with more care and consideration than physical health. You never know what they're thinking, how unstable they really are. Some people believe we should lock the sufferers away, strap them into white jackets and give them electric shocks. People who believed this needed locking up themselves.

Treating the mentally ill always takes it out of me, it's never a simple patch up. You can't help yourself but get involved, you can't physically see the pain that the person is going through. All you can do is listen, listen and hope that you are making a positive impact on their life.

Emily was one case that stuck out the most. Me and Jeff didn't even realise that she was in the house, the shout had started quite simple. There was a call from a neighbour who could hear shouting, the police wanted an ambulance as they feared it was a case of domestic violence, and they were right.

4 hours earlier...

"Jeff I haven't got a good feeling about this mate" I shivered in the ambulance, squinting out the window, watching the police about to break into the property.

"It's just another simple one I think Dix, one so called man, having to assault his wife" Jeff replied quietly, he was watching the house with me. After a few seconds we decided to get out, I lumbered the response kit on my shoulder.

"Alright Dix? Just keep beside me" Jeff placed his hand on my shoulder, he always had a protective side, it was rather sweet, but at the same time it could get rather annoying.

The police pushed in the door, then ran in in a tight line, the first thing we saw was a couple in the living room, in a deep heated argument. The man had blood coming from his nose, while the woman had what looked like two black eyes.

"WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN SPENDING OUR MONEY ON BRIAN?!" She screamed as the police officers pulled them apart from each other.

"EMILY'S BLOODY THERAPIST IS TAKING MOST OF IT! WHY DID WE HAVE TO GO PRIVATE?! YOU DOING IT TO LOOK GOOD TO THE SOCIAL?!" I looked at Jeff, he gave me a comforting look and approached the officer who was holding the man.

I looked at Jeff who began treatment, what was going on? The police eventually settled them by pulling them apart to opposite ends of the room, having them both in handcuffs. Jeff tended to the man while I went to the woman, she glared at me.

"You alright love?" I sat infront of her and opened the kit,

"Does it fucking look like I'm alright?!" She snarled, I looked at her black eyes. Although I wasn't sure if I felt any sympathy for the woman just yet.

"Aye, no need to talk to her like that" Jeff called from the other side of the room, I should have known he'd open his mouth.

"Will one of you go and get my fags?! They're upstairs in my bedroom" The woman shuffled on the sofa, I looked at the officer who nodded.

I sighed and got to my feet, it wasn't like she was that injured badly anyway. To be honest I felt it was a waste of my time attempting to treat her. I kicked my way through the rubbish and went upstairs, the stairs were steep and I could smell something rotten.

Once at the top of the stairs, I looked around the rooms trying to figure out which one was her bedroom. Pushing open the first door, I looked to the floor. There was a young woman, no older than 17, she was lying on the floor, bleeding. There was blood everywhere.

"JEFF I NEED YOU UP HERE WITH THE KIT NOW!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, I could see the blood gushing from her tiny wrists from some deep cuts. It was obvious what she has tried to do. I kneeled on the floor beside her, trying to stop the bleeding by applying pressure to her wrist.

"Please don't help me..." I heard a faint whisper, I put my spare hand on her cheek and stroked the hair from her eyes. Then moving my two fingers to her neck checking for a pulse... It was very slow and weak. I still couldn't believe how incredibly small she was, practically skin and bone. I wondered how long she had been up here, from the amount of blood I'd say a while.

"Sweetheart you need help, it's ok I'm a paramedic, my names Dixie... Can you tell me yours?" I gently pulled her body onto my lap. I could feel her burning up in my arms, her face was deathly pale. My hands were pressing onto her wrist, trying to stop the bleeding. Where was Jeff?! I needed his help and the kit now.

"Em... Emily... Dixie it hurts" I could barely understand what she was saying. It was then she began to choke before coughing up blood. Her eyes shot open and they were filling with tears, I encouraged her to move her head to the side, so she wasn't choking on any blood. I could see some pill residue being vomited up as well.

"Emily this is very important, have you taken any pills?" Looking beside her I saw several packets of empty pill boxes. Suddenly all my training was lost, I didn't know what to do to help her.

"Mmm..." She mumbled weakly, closing her eyes again.

"Sweetheart keep your eyes open for me" I begged, it was then that I lost her pulse.

"JEFFREY NOW!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors note.~ I was going mad the amount of times i wrote this chapter, i got fed up in the end and decided to post what i had. I hope that they're not many spelling mistakes. enjoy. **

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I quickly laid her on her back, rapidly beginning compressions, I could taste her blood on my lips when giving her mouth to mouth. It was at that moment Jeff came in.

"Shit, how long has she been down?" Jeff ran towards me, throwing the kit beside him and begun to pull out some equipment.

"About 30 seconds" I replied breathlessly, I adjusted my hands so Jeff could cut open her top, quickly looking down I could see the young girls stomach covered in cuts. Some old. Some new. As I continued compressions I felt myself becoming angry, how could these parents allow their daughter to feel this way. Beating the hell out of each other because their daughter is mentally ill. It isn't the poor girls fault.

Jeff quickly wrapped her wrist in a tight bandage, before placing the oxygen mask over her face.

"Dix stop a second" I stopped so Jeff could feel her neck for a pulse, I watched him nod and smile.

"You've done it Dix, she's breathing but only just, we'll need to intubate and warn the ED we're coming" I took these moments to take a long look at the girl, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Hundreds of cuts littered her stomach, some were deeper than others. Her chest was moving up and down weakly, but, at least she was now breathing. Her skin felt clammy, blood was beginning to seep through the bandages Jeff applied. So we quickly replaced them with a pressure dressing.

I quickly gathered up the pill packets, one of the packets stood out. It was Prozac. A well known antidepressant. I really wondered what had happened to make this poor girl want to end her life, but judging from the parents I could make an educated guess.

"Dix we need to call the ED. Pre warn them about her"

"Her name is Emily" I said weakly, she had the right to be called by her name.

"Of course, Emily" Jeff repeated, he begun to insert a new IV line. My hand had somehow made it's way into Emily's. I could feel myself shaking, I felt myself becoming lost in deep thought.

"What the hell have you done to my daughter?" We looked in the doorway entrance seeing the father glaring at his daughter. His words were slurred, he was obviously drunk.

"We just saved her life" Jeff spat back, normally I'd also reply, but I didn't have the emotional energy to this time.

"Just leave her, more hassle than she's worth that one. Always causing trouble. Making out she's ill, took her to the doctors and she referred her to therapy. A waste of money that was. Look at her, all that money wasted when she was planning to top herself anyway. Wish she'd have done it sooner, would have saved us the cash" his words made my blood boil, I continued to stare at Emily, she was just a child. Her hair a similar colour to my own, she was very beautiful, how could someone treat their daughter that way?

"She's your daughter. How could you say that? It's people like you that give parents a bad name, did you know she wanted to attempt suicide?" Jeffs voice was hinting anger and frustration, I knew he wanted nothing more than to smack that bloke in the mouth. He was doing a very good job containing his anger. So far anyway.

"If she's still living she obviously didn't try hard enough" It was the officer who eventually pulled the father away, I looked up and Jeff can't could clearly see the anger in his facial expression. Slowly we moved Emily onto the trolley, then carried her from the bedroom to the back of the ambulance, where her blood pressure dramatically dropped.

"Jeff she's crashing"

"Alright we're almost there" He shouted back, I tried to push through as much fluid as I could. Trying to rise her blood pressure. Nothing seemed to be working.

"Come on sweetheart, you can do this" I muttered under my breath, she had to make it through this. She couldn't die on me, not now. Pulling up outside the ED, the back of the ambulance doors were opened by Connie and Lilly.

"What have we got?" Lillys voice slightly intimidated me, I was kind of hoping Zoe would be on the case, I knew she would have the compassion and sensitivity that Emily needed.

"This is Emily, around 17 years of age. Attempted suicide, she arrested at scene but was brought back after 8 minutes of CPR and oxygen, she's lost approximately 3 litres of blood from a cut on her right wrist"

"Ok, what's her pulse and GCS?"

"Pulse has risen to 136 and her GCS has dropped from 6 to 3 on route. Also suspected over dose" I stated as we wheeled her through the ED and into resus.

"Thank you Dixie" Connie replied, after moving Emily to the bed I handed Lilly the bag containing the tablet packets we think Emily overdosed on.

"Do you know exactly how much of these she has taken? What about her second name? Medical History?" She snapped, the way Lilly was acting annoyed me, she wasn't treating Emily like a person. More like a box ticking job, treating a teenager who attempted suicide. Tick. All I could do was stand there, more tears building up in my eyes. my mouth was partly open, trying to respond but no words would come out.

"Sorry Lilly but we were too busy saving her life" It was Jeff who came to my rescue, standing beside me and sticking up for me, I was too emotional to respond. We had spent the last half hour saving this girls life, I didnt go through all of this to be intimidated by someone who lacked compassion.

"Dr Chao, I need you to go get Zoe, I need someone with more experience on this case" Connie's words made me breathe a sigh of relief, she was right. This was a complex case and Lilly had no experience with teenage mental health issues.

"What about Cal and Ethan?" Lilly replied, I felt Jeff's hand slip into my own.

"I could do without the sibling rivalry right now, if you intend to stay in my good books you will go and get Zoe now. Then call the blood bank after cross matching these bloods" Connie begun to listen to Emily's chest, while Tess took some blood. Lilly left resus in a huff, then Connie looked up and winked in mine and Jeffs direction.

"Connie please look after her... And get Noel to call me when she comes to"

"Of course, do you know her?" She raised her eyebrows at me, I bit my lip trying to think of how to reply. I couldn't think of anything so I told her the truth.

"No. I just feel..."

"It's ok Dixie, I understand. As soon as she starts showing any sign of waking up I'll get Noel to contact you" Connie gave me a warm smile, we hadn't been too friendly recently, but I knew she was a good doctor. Emily being cared for by Zoe and Connie was like the dream team, her chances of survival were improving by the minutes.

Jeff lead me away from resus, we made it to the ambulance rec room before I burst into tears in his arms.

"It's ok princess" he ushered softly, I could feel him rubbing circles on my back while hugging me tightly. I felt so comforted in his arms.

"Jeff... I couldn't save her... I couldn't do anything" tears were rolling down my face, I was emotionally collapsing into Jeffs arms.

"Hey, Dixie Collier you are the reason she's alive. You were the one who found her, brought her back to life" he cupped my cheeks and looked me in the eyes.

"But I blanked..."

"Shh.. You did brilliantly Dixie, I couldn't have asked any better of you. We will continue our shift, while Connie and Zoe will have her all patched up. She'll be fine. I promise"

"Can I see her before we go home after our shift?" I rubbed my eyes and looked back at Jeff, he didn't look too happy about the idea.

"Dixie I'm really not sure if that's a good idea, she's very vulnerable, it might not be a good idea to let her get too attached to you" Jeffs words slightly hurt me.

"Please..." Part of me knew Jeff was right, but I did save her life. Now I was in predicament, I wanted to see her, get to know her. Jeff obviously didn't want me to, what was I supposed to do?

"We'll talk about it later, eh?" I knew that was code for no way I'm taking you home, maybe he was doing the right thing.


	3. Chapter 3

Later that same day I got a call from Noel. Apparently Emily was in a really bad way, but there was some signs of her waking. She was on a large quantity of medication so I was sure she'd be pretty out of it, I knew they'd be referring her to the psychiatric ward as soon as she was better physically. She was still extremely ill.

I wanted to go and see her, but I knew Jeff would be against it. I was so confused, why was I so attached to this girl? We had been to attempted suicides before, but this was the youngest case, they were a very rare case for Holby.

Me and Jeff were in the paramedic staff room, I could see Jeff was looking into his coffee absentmindedly,

"What you thinking mate?" I asked gently, I could see him raising his head slightly, making awkward eye contact.

"I honestly don't know, has Noel got in touch?"

"Yeah, apparently Emily's in a bad way. Mentally I mean, physically she'll be fine" I replied gently, I didn't know whether it would be best to talk about Emily. Maybe I should just leave it.

"Is she awake?"

"I think so, he said she was coming round, but, she's on a lot of medication"

"I know you want to go and see her"

"And you think it's a bad idea, don't you?"

"Yep. She's vulnerable young woman, I don't think it's good idea to let her get attached to you. However, I do think she needs a friendly face. Go and see her Dix, just promise me you won't get too attached? See her, say your goodbye, give yourself some closure" He stood up off his stole, making his way toward me placing his hands on my shoulders.

"Promise. I'll see you at home then?" I felt a smile creep across my face, I felt a lot happier knowing I could say a proper goodbye to Emily.

"Of course, I think after today we a deserve a take out"

"Chinese" I said simply before giving him a kiss on the cheek and leaving. It didn't take me long to make my way into resus. I could easily make out the young woman, she was lying in the bed. Her wrists were covered in thick bandages, and there was several IV lines in her body. She looked so broken, her blonde hair was lying weakly beside her head. Scars littering her arms. It made me feel so sad knowing she would be scarred for life. The bed had been pulled up so it looked like she was sitting.

I could see she recognised me instantly. She was looking at me weakly, I could tell she had been crying.

"Hey Emily, how are you feeling?" I asked softly, slowly making my way to the bed. She just looked at me for a while before replying.

"Scared... Dr Hanna said I'm being refered to a physiciatric ward. I didn't want any of this to happen" Her voice was croaky and weak, her face scrunched up in obvious pain, I did feel for the young girl.

"What did you want to happen?"

"I slit my wrists and took all my medication, what do you think I wanted to happen?" She responded sarcastically, I bit my lip lightly, giving her chance to talk. With minutes of silence I decided to ask another question.

"Sweetheart, why did you want to kill yourself?" I swallowed the thick lump that was building up in my throat.

"Are you becoming a counsellor or something?" Again another sarcastic reply, it didn't surprise me to be honest, maybe Jeff was right before and this wasn't a good idea. Now I knew she was ok, maybe I should go.

"Im doing this for my own peace of mind, I want to go home tonight, knowing that you're going to be okay. That you won't try to do this again"

"I'm depressed, all I ever think about is dying, both my parents hate me. My therapist is useless at her job, I'm 18 in less than 2 months Dixie... What am I going to do?" It was at this point she began to cry, I leant above her and pulled her in for a hug. She needed it. I could feel her sobbing onto my shoulder, she was holding me tightly. After a few moments I pulled her away from me, cupping her cheeks.

"Emily, I promise I will do everything I can to make your life better for you. You're nearly 18. You have your whole life ahead of you, you don't need to do anything silly like end your life"

"But Dixie..." More tears spilled from her eyes. She was beginning to breathe very shallow. I began to stroke her hair in attempt to stop her having a panic attack.

"No buts, things will be better in time, please believe me" I stroked away her fresh tears with my thumb, trying to comfort the poor girl.

"Ok..."

"Good girl" I squeezed her hand tightly, giving her a warm smile. She smiled at me back which was when the resus door suddenly opened.

"Dad?" She said astounded, I could see the fear plastered over her face, she looked so frightened.

"Who's that?" His words were slurred it was obvious that he was drunk.

"This is Dixie... The paramedic"

"Oh I see how it is, bet you've been telling her all sorts of stories. Slagging me and your mum off!" I felt rather intimidated by him myself, he moved himself around the room continuing to glare at Emily.

"I haven't..."

"Sir, please there is no need for this, Emily has told me nothing. She's very ill and needs her rest" I had to interupt. I wasn't going to let him hurt Emily like this. She was his daughter, how could he not care about her?

"Lies! Bet she's told you everything! How she is accusing my brother of assaulting her, how she supposedly had a misscarriage. Then slept with half of holby.."

"Dad... Please...you're drunk aren't you?" Her words were slow as she was now heavily crying, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"Does it matter? Don't bother coming home Emily, you're a lying slag, and I don't want people knowing you're related from me" I stood there astounded, I couldn't compromise what had just happened, the man then left. Leaving a dead silence behind him.

"Dixie I'm so sorry"

"What are you apologising to me for? Sweetheart, you shouldn't have to deal with that. Is he always like that?" I took her hand again, trying to comfort her.

"Only when him and mum have been drinking. Please don't tell anyone, about what he said"

"I won't, was it true, I mean about the miscarriage?"

"I didn't tell anyone. I wrote it in my diary which him and my mum read, they thought it would be a laugh. Dixie it was all my fault... and now I'm going to be locked up..." Her breathing became shallow again, with every moment spent talking to her I felt even more attached, my motherly instincts coming into play.

"Of course you won't, someone is just going to talk to you. It's the only way we can make you better" I moved a strand of hair behind her ear, she then turned her head and looked at me.

"Zoe said someone's going to come down to asses me, see if I can even be treated in that ward. Will you stay with me?"

"Are you sure? Won't it be easier if I'm not in the room?"

"Please Dixie..."

"Ok, ok darling I'll stay" Watching her almost cry again was breaking me. I couldn't leave her, not after what her Dad said. In all honesty I didn't think I was going to end up attached, I would have never guessed what was about to happen. There was a lot more to Emily than I first thought, and to find it all out I needed to break my promise to Jeff.


	4. Chapter 4

"Dixie I told you not too get too involved" Jeff was ranting at me again, like he had been doing for the past half an hour. I was trying my best to stay calm, he really was pissing me off.

"I'm not a child Jeff, you can't tell me what I can and can't do" I spat back.

"You promised"

"And I'm sorry, what am I supposed to do?! Leave her crying and having a panic attack?! Jeff she has nobody! All I'm doing is helping her look for a job and flat" I felt my own eyes stinging with tears, me and Jeff had never been like this before.

"If we did that for all the mental cases we'd never have any time for ourselves"

"She isn't mental Jeff"

"Whatever Dix, do what you want. Just don't come crying to me when it all goes wrong"

"Why do you have to be so negative? She has no family, the psychiatric ward are full, and the doctor said she is apparently not a priority" I was standing over the sofa watching Jeff drink his beer.

"How is she not a priority?! Earlier today she was lying in a pool of her own blood" he turned around and stared at me, I closed me eyes and could see her lying there again. I took a deep breath before replying to Jeff, trying to justify me getting involved with Emily.

"They won't have her for inpatient care, only outpatient 3 times a week for CBT"

"What about social services?"

"She's 18 in a few months Jeff, she can be put into a home until then, but she will need a place of her own and a job, I'm only helping her. I can't leave her. I'm the only one that she trusts..." I felt like I was begging, never have I had to justify myself to anyone. Let alone Jeff.

"Whatever" Jeff finished off his beer, then went upstairs. Leaving me on my own with little Abs, I ran my hand through hair trying to think. Why was my job so bloody difficult sometimes? Some of the things I heard Emily say were heartbreaking, I truly did feel for her, the least I could do was help her to find a job somewhere, or even apply to college.

She told me that she dropped out, she was too anxious to leave the house, couldn't blame her really. Apparently kids bullied her because of her stutter, if I went through half of what she had done, I'd have had more than a stutter.

Tears were building up in my eyes, I let a few fall. Before then rubbing them away with my thumb.

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Jeff laid in his bed, he could taste the beer in his mouth still. He didn't understand Dixie sometimes, she could be such an annoying cow sometimes.

Jeff knew that Dixie desperately wanted to be a mother, this was evident in the way she was treating Emily and the whole situation. There was some shifts that he knew affected her more than others, this was the most difficult they've had in a while. He didn't know what to do for the best, he had to admit, there was something about Emily that made him want to get involved. But, at the same time it wasn't his job. Although Dixie obviously didn't see it that way. Suddenly he felt his phone vibrate in his jean pocket.

He pulled his phone out and opened the new text, it was from Zoe.

_Get Dixie here ASAP! It's Emily._

Jeff froze. Biting his lip he tried to think about what to do. What could have gone so wrong that they needed Dixie there? He felt sick to the stomach, what if Emily had tried to do something to herself again? He knew Dixie would never forgive herself if she did. Maybe he should go downstairs and get Dixie? Tell her what was going on. At the same time, he didn't want to encourage what she was doing. But maybe not telling Dixie would be throwing petrol into the fire?

* * *

I laid on the sofa, over thinking like normal. I had poured myself a glass of red wine, something I normally did when I had a hard day at work. What was I supposed to do? Emily doesnt trust anybody other than me, although she was also forming a close bond with Zoe, Robyn and Rita. Jamie she was less of a fan, she seemed a lot more vigilant when he was in the room, it didn't take long for us to pick up on it.

The fact she was scared for life got to me most, her poor arms and wrists, I really did feel for her. Even her stomach was badly scared. I cringed thinking about it. Taking another long sip at my wine I rubbed little abs who was lying next to me,

"What am I supposed to do Abs?" I let a small tear fall from my eye, normally I'd go to Jeff for comfort, but he didn't agree with what I was doing so I was on my own with this one. I couldn't think straight, either way I was going to be hurting someone. Jeff wanted me to stay away, at the same time, Emily had nobody and needed help. Desperate help.

It was shouts like this that brought out my motherly nature, it was so unfair. How all these couples are able to have children then mistreat them, treat them like rubbish. Then other couples had to adopt, or live life without children at all. Emily was an example of this, both of her parents treating her like crap. I really don't see how parents could treat their own flesh and blood like that? She is so innocent, but they've completely broken her with their disgraceful behaviour.

Suddenly I heard the stairs creaking like someone was walking down them. I looked over and saw Jeff appearing slowly,

"Dix, Zoe text me, she said she needs you in the ED"

"Why?" I exhaled slowly, before drinking the rest of my wine.

"It's Emily" With those words I quickly got up off the sofa and grabbed my handbag, quickly retrieving my mobile. Turning it on, I immediately saw 11 missed calls from Zoe and 3 from Jamie, I felt so sick, what had happened? I phoned for a taxi, knowing I couldn't drive myself. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was just about to get myself into.


	5. Chapter 5

I quickly made my way into resus. Jeff was hot on my heels, I don't know why he was bothering as we both knew he didn't approve of me seeing Emily.

Emily was sat up in the bed, both hands clutching over her chest as she struggled to breathe. Zoe was quite a distance from the bed, trying to calm and sooth her. I could see every time she got closer Emily's breathing got worse.

"Jeff stay out here"

"But..."

"I mean it" I added harshly, him being in the room would only make Emily worse. Jeff just huffed and left resus again. I stood next to Zoe who was still talking.

"Emily. You need to slow down your breathing for me, It's alright, you're safe" Zoe was trying to calm her but it didn't seem to be working.

"Sweetheart she's right, count to 10 with me" She was looking up at me desperatly, still clutching hold of her chest. I slowly walked towards her, gently taking her hands in mine,

"Emily, we're going to count to 10 okay?" She nodded at me weakly then I begun to count, she was copying me, by the time we got to 6 her breathing was a lot more under control.

Zoe had joined me and we were both sat either side of her bed, trying to sooth the young woman. "I'm sorry" she whispered breathelesly, "It's alright sweetheart, it wasnt your fault" I moved the hair away from her eyes, seeing her like this broke my heart.

"What happened?"

"You had what is called a panic attack, have you heard of them before?" Zoe questioned softly, she shook her head so Zoe begun to explain it to her,

"It's when you panic so much your body basically can't handle it. So you breathe quickly, you feel your heart beating quickly and you might feel sick like you were earlier"

"She was sick?" I asked, I felt horrible for not staying at the hospital I could have helped calm the situation down before it got to this point.

"Quite a bit actually, do you know what brought it on Emily?" Zoe asked

"I... I was just sleeping. Then the male nurse came in, I could feel him taking my BP and pulse then I freaked out a little" by this time she had rested her head on my shoulder, I wrapped my arm around the shaking teen, trying to make her feel safe.

"Okay, well from now on, I'll do your half hour obs. Would that make you feel more comfortable?" At this Emily nodded, I didn't blame her for having a fear of men after what she had been through.

"Thank you Zoe" I thanked my friend by giving her a hug, when hugging her I could see Jeff outside looking in through the window. He looked like he was crying, I broke the hug from Zoe then turned back to Emily, she looked shattered.

"Try and get some sleep lovely"

"Are you staying?"

"Yeah. Yeah I'm staying" I replied, sitting on the side of the bed and taking hold of her hand. I began rubbing circles in her palm, trying to sooth her enough to go back to sleep. It didn't take long before she did, when I was sure she was sleeping I turned back to Jeff and mouthed to him to come in.

_Jeff POV_

What I saw was truly saddening, it made me reflect my own actions. Maybe shouting at Dixie wasn't a good idea, I mean, Emily was obviously a broken mess, all my wife was doing was trying desperately to help her. I could see the young woman struggling to breathe, looking desperately to Zoe and Dixie genuinely believing she was dying or something.

Dixie meant the world to me, every time she got involved with a minor, I saw a little piece of her fade away. It was like she gave part of herself to each child to help them heal, I couldn't cope with losing anymore of her, she was my bestfriend. This was dangerous though, Emily's parents obviously had a problem with abuse, why did Dixie need to subject herself to this? I couldn't bare her getting hurt, she is all I have.

Dixie was mouthing me to come into the room, I slowly pushed open the door then quietly went towards my wife.

"You alright mate? Look like you've been crying" Dixie asked softly, rubbed my eyes then changed the subject.

"You're all I've got Dix, this is dangerous I mean..." I didn't realise my voice was getting louder until I saw Emily stir,

"Shhh, go on"

"Every time you help a kid, I lose part of you. I don't know why but you just get more withdrawn, and it takes you weeks to get back to your normal self" I whispered, Dixie nodded her head, encouraging me to continue talking.

"Remember Olivia? After her, you didn't come out of your room for over a week. You didn't eat, all you did was sleep, I can't have you like that again. What is making you so attached so easily?"

"Whoa, hang on mate, Olivia died in the back of the ambulance, it's a totally different matter" Dixie's voice was breaking, I could tell she was on the verge of tears.

"Why are you so attached?"

"I just.. I know how she feels" She looked down at the ground, whilst I thought for a moment. Then it hit me.

"What do you... you watched your old man hurt your mum, didn't you?" There was a long pause, slowly Dixie nodded her head. I could see the pain in her facial features.

"And you.. You used to cut yourself?" I mustered, I was struggling to come to terms with it all. Why hadn't we had this conversation before?

"I wasn't in the best frame of mind Jeff, I was struggling with being gay, along with watching all of that I just... It was my only way of coping" Tears were rolling down Dixie's face, I'd never see her cry this much before.

"Where?"

"My hips and stomach mainly, and you know this mark on my wrist?" Dixie showed me her left wrist, there was a long scar there, I'd only ever asked about it once.

"The one you said was caused by your old cat?"

"I attempted suicide at 17 too Jeff..." At this point I didn't know what to say, I felt this lump forming in the back of my throat. My vision was becoming blurred, before I knew it I turned around and left resus, I ran as fast as I could out the hospital until I found myself in the ambulance bay, I ran into the rec room which was empty. Picking up the nearest mug and launching it at the wall, it was then I collapsed into heavy tears on the floor.


End file.
